something human

Written by Emerson Enriquez 170819

“I wish I could say something sympathetic, something human”

Trainspotting (1996)

Trainspotting was a movie I needed to see. If I’m going to be honest and sentimental and all, I wasn’t in the best emotional or mental state when we viewed it in class. Let’s just say I wasn’t fully in tune myself. At the time, I needed that “hit” Tommy was talking about when he described what taking heroin was like.

The first part of the film shows Mark Renton visibly undertaking (or rather attempting) a journey to sobriety from heroin. It starts off a little “shitty” (yes, attempt at humor intended) and arguably, it really did go downhill from there. He, along with his “mates” Sick Boy, Spud, Tommy and Begbie form a Moron 5 who each go through a relapse back into the drug, with all of them having to come face to face with their bad habits. Traversing through the wonders and plights of sex, relationships and coming into terms with themselves, the use of drugs for a “hit” becomes a way for them to cope with it all. As temporary as the sensation can be, it’s good enough to suffice for them.

What really got to me was when Mark’s parents confined him in his bedroom after he overdosed. All the hallucinations he had haunting him, with cold sweat running down his spine was a chilling montage. It made me realize how beyond the thrill of heroin, Mark was really just a lonely person looking to detach from that solidarity. He was trying feel as “human” as possible.

I guess in a way, I also look for ways to feel as humanly-human as well. There are bad habits I frequently revisit that fog up my mind, making it unclear for me what I really want out of life. I’m also adamantly hunting for the ultimate hits in my life, the ones “better than sex”, the ones that make me feel the most young and human, I guess. The truth is, perhaps I’m searching them because I’m immensely scared that I won’t be able to make the most out of the time I have. Renton and I both want instant gratification that dissipates, but as long as it’s there, we’re all for it.

When the Moron 4, deducted by one due to Tommy’s AIDS-caused death, reunites after Spud serves his shoplifting sentence, they go on a heist-like expedition to make some cash to, once again, get that “hit”.Mark decides to make a run for it with the money, leaving Spud his well-deserved share. The 90 minute black comedy ends with Renton walking off with 12, 000, exclaiming to himself how he’s going to have a perfect white picket fence life from then on. Whether this was what was ideal for him, or if it was what he thought was ideal for him, is up to question. I guess in some way though, this exhibits the true and seemingly, final withdrawal from the drug for Mark.

Admittedly, watching the entirety of the film didn’t leave me as optimistic as Mark was at the end when he got away with his loot. Leaving the classroom that day, I plugged in my earphones, listened to my R&B, tucked my hands in my pant pockets and just walked around campus aimlessly. There was so much melancholy going on inside of me after seeing the movie. If anything, it made me realize how sad and lonely I actually am, and maybe that’s a “good” thing for something like Trainspotting. It helped me realize my desolation as a human being, who’s probably going to be “happy” again soon, and later on, will be back to feeling all the gloom. Although, I guess that’s the humanity behind it all – how our emotions can be temporary, but more importantly, how (painfully) real they can feel.